And then he told me what I already knew.

I was always a kid that went to church camp. From the moment I was old enough to go, I went. My first camp experience was in New Mexico, several hours away from my family, for two weeks. I was 9. I have no idea what anyone was thinking when that trip got scheduled. Never again did any camp that I attended last two whole weeks. More often than not, my mom was at every camp I went to after that first time. It's not that anything bad happened. I think it was a shock for both of us for me to be away for so long, but it wasn't harmful. I think that my mom was eventually just able to schedule time off to attend my future camps as our camp nurse. I loved that. There was something about her being there, just a short stroll from my cabin. I had comfort and security in that fact. She was always around. If we were playing volleyball or softball, she would set up a drink area to make sure that everyone stayed hydrated. If we went swimming, she was probably there watching and waiting in case someone needed her. 

One summer, mom was a little more tired than usual. She stuck it out. She still tried to be there. As that year progressed, she seemed more and more tired. The following summer, she was easily overheated. Instead of standing on the sidelines handing out water or gatorade, she was parked under a tree, waiting for us to come grab a drink. She was visibly exhausted and uncomfortable. That was her last year at camp with us. The next few years would be described as a "blackness" by her. She would fall into a black sleep and awaken into confusion and fog. Despite the increased sleep regimen, she wasn't rested. She will tell you that there is not a lot that she remembers during that time frame. One of her favorite memories is waking up out of one of her "black sleeps" and seeing me sitting at the computer. Being prom time, she told me that she'd been thinking a lot about prom dresses. This idea got my attention. She saw my typing slow down and knew that I was listening. About the time I looked over to see if she would continue this thought, she said "I've been looking at patterns".... She knew that I understood this to mean that she wanted to "ruin my life by MAKING my prom dress"... I guess my face betrayed my emotion. She howled with laughter. Admittedly, that is a good memory for me at that time as well. There aren't a lot of times that I can remember of that timeframe with her either. I remember the sleep, and the foggy conversations, and then the conversations that we had to remind her of the foggy conversations.

Eventually, her doctor came up with a diagnosis. Grave's Disease. I remember her coming home and telling me about it. Telling me that she'd had this for several years and it had never been caught. That this THING was the reason she was so tired. So forgetful. So foggy. I remember the several days that I couldn't be near her bc she was radioactive after they burned out her thyroid. I remember her telling me that it was hereditary. That I would need to be mindful of it as I got older. That I needed to start watching for the signs. 

Fast forward a decade. I was pregnant with my 2nd child. I was sick. Sicker than I've ever been in my whole life. So sick that I lost 30 lbs during that pregnancy. I knew that I had morning sickness. But, I also knew something else was wrong. I was losing function in one of my hands. Both of my hands hurt constatnly. My head pounded at all hours of the day and night. I found out was "black sleep was". But the Dr blew me off. He told me that I was pregnant and that it would go away. He was wrong. After I had my second child, it didn't go away. But, being a military spouse, I moved before I could further the conversation. I had to get a new Dr.... and another new Dr a few months into my 3rd pregnancy. Having a Dr long enough that they trust the words coming out of your mouth and not just "what the book says" takes a while. Apparently. 

Fast forward again. Directly after my 3rd child was born, I looked at all the symptoms I had and I knew. I demanded tests. My doctor sent me to several specialists. In turn, they each put me through a battery of tests. Every.Single.One. came back "normal". It was so frustrating that I almost gave up. In July of 2013, they ran another test on my thyroid. "normal".

I mean... AHHHHHHHH!!! No one my age should feel this way. It is NOT normal.

To be so tired. So sore. So foggy. Losing the function in my hands, along with constant hand pain, I was in pain for MONTHS because I walked on a treadmill (only to be told that it shouldn't hurt that much). Losing ridiculous amounts of hair. Being unable to keep up with my family. Being fatigued from walking the length of the grocery store. To have tremors throughout my body. To be so anxious, and irritable, and depressed. To have such difficulty in sleeping. To have horrible menstrual issues that sent me to the ER  (only to be told that it shouldn't hurt that much). To have debilitating roving pain play hop scotch throughout my body from day to day. To go from LOVING summer to barely being able to turn the heat on in the house during the winter (and opting to stand barefoot in the snow), and having a headache that never ever ever went away. It was enough to make me feel crazy when they continued to tell me that all of the tests are "normal".  

End of February/beginning of March 2014:

My physician sent me to a neurologist to address my tremors. 

The neurologist asked a lot of questions.  

He then told me that it was highly unlikely that I had Parkinson's.  (PHEW -- that was a relief, since it was not in my mind before that moment.) And then he mentioned that my symptoms were consistent with people who have Fibromyalgia. 

He performed MORE bloodwork.  
(I think I've provided enough blood to feed a small cannibalistic country by now.)

He called me the very next day. 

And then he told me what I already knew. 

BOOM

Grave's Disease. 

After more than 3 years, someone finally saw it. Finally listened. Finally looked deeper into the issue. Someone whose specialty is an ENTIRELY different organ in the human body. 

After 3 years, I'm finally getting answers. More answers than I care to hear and I have suddenly had a LOT of appointments to go to. 

I also have carpal tunnel in BOTH hands. 

I also have TMJ.

I mysteriously lost my appetite. 

Now when I am hungry, I only want a specific set of foods. Mainly fruits & veggies.

And I have been nauseous. 

And lost 14 lbs in a two week time span. 

And so very tired.

My husband took last week off and I slept through most of it. 

I saw my physician last week. He did more bloodwork to confirm the diagnosis and sent me for a thyroid sonogram.  His words as I left his office, "This could be a very big deal". 

The sonogram came back. There is a 7mm nodule present. But, apparently that is not something that is worrisome. We will check it again in 3 months to make sure that it hasn't grown. But, don't worry. I'd love to say that I didn't freak out. But, I might have. 

He sent out a referral and told me that I should hear back in the next week or two. 

The Endocrinologist's office called me the next day. "He wants to get you in fairly quickly" In a world where it takes a good month to see anyone about any medical problem, those words still ring in my ears. 

I see him in just a few hours. 

...and I'm wondering if they caught it in time.... If it's been there for years... If I'm going to remember my children's childhoods. Or if it is going to take this time in my life away from me too. And then I think about my children. And wonder if they will forget the moments that they so long to remember in their children's lives too. 

All I can do is pray. And pray. 

...and REFUSE to let this THING, this intruder,  define me.